• 1 There is one exception: the Rajopadhyayas (Deo-Brahmans), priests of Hindu high-caste Newars, who (...)
• 2 Divorce is known as pārapācuke in the Newar language. The national coded laws of Sthiti Malla in t (...)
• 3 Divorce has been dealt with sporadically by a number of anthropologists, from Kirkpatrick (1811) a (...)

1Historically, Newars are the aboriginal population of the Nepal Valley (today’s Kathmandu Valley), currently with about forty distinct cultural/occupational caste groups. Divorce is not a new phenomenon for the Newars – it was legally and socially accepted even before the fourteenth century.1 However, divorce-specific studies on Newars are rare, which prompted the current research.2 So far only three studies (Nepali 1965, Pradhan 1981 and Bajracharya 1121 NS), have provided detailed information on this key topic.3 Nepali’s research details suburban Panga customs, data and case studies; Pradhan’s study contains quantitative nuptiality-related data on a rural (Bulu) population consisting mostly of Jyapu agriculturists on the outskirts of the Valley; while Bajracharya’s study is descriptive in nature and provides historic and general information. The purpose of this paper is to highlight the diversity in the divorce practices of the various Newar caste groups and to analyse, from an insider’s point of view, the findings embodied in the relevant ethnographic material published by anthropologists. Another objective is to present ethnographic material on a traditional method of divorce that women use, māy-absã fasting. The information and data for this article have been collected from various sources: published and unpublished reports, books, articles, library and online searches, scholars, friends and family, in addition to my own observations and experience of living in the Kathmandu Valley and other parts of Nepal for four decades. Because my life experience and dealings were with the Gubhaju, Bare, Uray and Jyapu caste groups, I may highlight their data more often than that of other Newar groups.

• 4 According to the 2021 Census, Nepal’s population is 29,164,578. Population data available in the E (...)
• 5 Together, the Kathmandu Valley and its outskirts were known as Nepal or the Kingdom of Nepal (Nepā (...)
• 6 The four Varna are: Brahman, Kshetri, Vaishya and Shudra.

2Most Newars live in three major cities; Kathmandu, Lalitpur and Bhaktapur, and in nearby towns/cities along with other parts of Nepal, with a current population of 1,341,363 according to the 2021 Census,4 compared to 1,321,933 in the 2011 Census (Central Bureau of Statistics 2012: 144). Most Newars live in extended families. The Newars’ mother tongue is Newā bhāy (Newar language), officially known as Nepal Bhasha, a Tibeto-Burman language. Each of the numerous Newar cultural/occupational groups, with their unique expertise, lived in harmony, mutually providing and exchanging services, until King Sthiti Malla (1382–1395) brought in five Brahmans from India to codify the laws of the Kingdom of the Nepal Valley.5 These laws divided the Newars into four Hindu Varna categories: high caste, clean caste, unclean caste and untouchables; this notion is still recognised by some Newars.6 The figure 1 below provides some background information about the Newars.

• 7 ‘More or less’ because the ‘caste’ column does not range from high to low: for example, the caste (...)
• 8 Ba:mani is the Newar version of Brahmani (female Brahman).

3Generally speaking, Gubhajus (Vajracharyas) are priests for Buddhist Newars and Dya Barmus (Rajopadhyayas) are those for Hindu Newars. The list in the table, first for Buddhist groups, followed by Hindu Newars and mixed groups does not mean that Rajopadhyaya priests are lower in status than Vajracharya priests. For the sake of convenience, rather than being in two different tables, all the groups are listed in one table. The table is based more or less on Sthiti Malla’s high-low caste categories of Newars.7 In the past, most scholars divided Newars into two groups: Buddhist Newars if their family priest was a Vajracharya and Hindu Newars if their family priest was a Rajopadhyaya. This does not hold true today. For instance, although Jyapu, Sayemi, Chhipa, Kau, Khusa:, Kuma, Nau, Gathu and Naya: have Vajracharya priests, not all of them are Buddhists – a significant percentage of them claim to be Hindus, and many Syasyas, whose priests are Rajopadhyayas, claim to be Buddhists in southern Kathmandu data (Sakya 2000: 37), I personally am aware of this fact. Although the table lists various occupations for the Newars, very few pursue their traditional occupations these days except for Rajopadhyayas who are part-time priests even though they work in salaried jobs. Today, most Newars are engaged in various technical, professional, business-oriented and other salaried jobs. It should also be noted that the Newā names in the first column are men’s names. For women, we have to add ‘ni’ at the end of the name, for example, Gubhani, Bareni, Syasyani, Jyapuni, Sayemini, Dya Ba:mani8 etc.

• 9 Sometimes the wedding procedure may take years.
• 10 However, matching birth charts is no longer done these days in urban areas. These days, they meet (...)
• 11 ‘Gwe’ is a colloquial version used by Newars. It is formally written ‘gvay’ in most dictionaries. (...)

5For Newars in general, a wedding is a long process rather than just an event.9 Traditionally, the marriage proposal is accepted after the man and woman have seen each other from afar and have confirmed that they like each other and after their astrological birth charts have been compared and found compatible by the astrologer.10 Among most Newar groups, even in rural Bulu (Pradhan 1981: 34), marriage confirmation is notified by the groom’s side. Most Newar castes send ten whole gwe (areca nuts) and a silver coin in a traditional box, lampichā, to the bride’s side via a matchmaker, lami.11 If the bride’s side accepts the 10 gwe, then the wedding is confirmed. However, among Bhaktapur Syasyas, the groom’s male family members and close relatives first go to the bride’s home to confirm the engagement; then, after a few days, the groom’s family sends 10 gwe and other gifts to the bride as confirmation of the wedding.

• 12 A treasure room called ‘dhukoo’ is where Newars store their religious scriptures wrapped in precio (...)
• 13 Generally speaking, the Jyapus, including those from Bulu, do not use gwe to confirm marriage but (...)

6Ten gwe are the norm for most Newars in Kathmandu, Sankhu, Bhaktapur and Kirtipur. Nevertheless, not all groups of Newars use 10 gwe; the number varies and a few castes do not use gwe at all for marriage confirmation. Even among the same caste groups, the number differs according to their place of residence. For example, the Gubhaju and Bare groups from Lalitpur use 12 gwe, as do most of the other Newars in Lalitpur. Of the 12 gwe, ten are returned to the groom’s family and two are kept and stored in the treasure room,12 to be used in the future if the daughter wishes to divorce (Vajracharya 2065 VS: 151).13 This culture of Lalitpur Newars returning 10 gwe to the groom’s family is totally different from that of Newars in Kathmandu and other areas where 10 gwe is kept forever at the bride’s natal place unless she decides to divorce.

• 14 I know of three cases of elopement that occurred between 1947–1958 among Gubhani and Urayni women.
• 15 My thanks go to Dr Gérard Toffin for this information.

7For centuries, most Newar women who are accustomed to using gwe for marriage confirmation have divorced by simply returning their marriage confirmation gwe. In unorthodox society such as in Panga, near Kirtipur, many dissatisfied women just elope with their lover (Nepali 1965: 239).14 To initiate a separation, a Jyapuni (female version of Jyapu) and a Pradhan Syasyani (female of Syasya) from Lalitpur just leave two gwe on the couple’s bed as notification of her leaving her husband – these women slip away quietly without telling anybody. Uray and Manandhars also practise this custom of leaving two gwe before leaving their husband’s house forever (ibid 239). From a geographical point of view too, diversity is common. Various divorce customs are to be found in different parts of the Kathmandu Valley and among different Newar caste groups. For instance, in the 1970s, among the Jyapus of Pyangaon, when difficulties arose in divorce proceedings, the twelve headmen of the village pronounced the final decision on divorce (Toffin 2007). According to Toffin, among some Jyapus of Kathmandu city, the headman (thakāli) and the deputy headman (noku) of the community (twā) are consulted to decide on difficult divorce procedures when the two parties cannot come to a peaceful agreement.15 This shows that not all divorces are easy even for the Jyapus, as is generally assumed.

• 16 Among Jyapus in general, if the wife elopes with another man without leaving two gwe or without di (...)

9The Gubhaju, Bare and Uray have similar practices: the 10 gwe for a divorce are not returned immediately after the wife has left her husband’s house. She may take time to arrive at a decision – if she wants a divorce, she will send the 10 gwe back via the lami (the matchmaker). Traditionally, as long as the 10 gwe have not been returned by the wife, her husband cannot remarry, even if they have been separated for a long time. In other words, the wife has the right to decide or has the upper hand in the decision to divorce. Thus, not sending back the gwe may mean that she may still go back to her husband if the situation improves or if she chooses to do so. However, if the husband sends back his wife’s dowry and marries another woman, the 10 gwe received by the first wife’s family is kept at her natal home as proof of the husband’s betrayal (Bajracharya 1121 NS). In these circumstances, the woman is free to marry another man. Nevertheless, if the woman marries another man without returning the 10 gwe, the first husband’s family does not send back her dowry. If this is the case, the former husband’s family asks for the 10 gwe to be returned with two extra gwe and keeps the 12 areca nuts as proof of the wife’s betrayal (ibid).16

• 17 I witnessed two such events in Kathmandu. Informants for Lewis (1995) and Gellner (1991) also conf (...)

11It is worth mentioning that a unique practice exists among Uray Newars: if the husband of a young woman dies, she can put the engagement gwe on her husband’s dead body and thereby becomes as free as an unmarried woman.17 My informants told me that Jyapus practise the same sort of custom. In fact, it is believed that Urays adopted the custom from Jyapus. This custom is still practised today. Pũs (Chitrakars) also have a similar custom: when the husband of a young girl dies, her parents send a package of areca nuts to her in-laws to free her from the marriage relationship (Toffin 2007: 30). By performing this act, a woman can escape the obligation of mourning for a year over the death of her husband (Bista 1976). It not only saves her from living as a widow but also provides her with the opportunity of remarrying in the future. This unique practice is one of the female-friendly customs of some Newar groups.

• 18 Newar-English dictionaries have either absã or apsã or both for Uposatha/Upavasa fasting. Newars u (...)
• 19 There are four Karunamaya (compassionate Bodhisattva) Avalokiteshvara temples in the Valley of Kat (...)

12Newar women from Lalitpur, Bunga, Chobhar, Kirtipur and the surrounding areas practise a particular method of divorce, which is by observing māy-absã fasting. The word absã is a distorted version of apsã. Apsã originates from Uposatha or Upavasa (religious fasting or ‘Vrata’). Māy-absã means ‘month-long Uposatha’.18 Estranged women who are confused about whether their husbands still like them or not observe fasting in either the temple of Chobhar Karunamaya or the temple of Bunga Karunamaya to test whether their husbands still have any feelings for them before they decide to divorce. Löwdin’s (1985) findings confirm that when a woman from around Lalitpur or Kirtipur feels unwanted by her husband or in-laws, especially her mother-in-law, she goes to Chobhar Lokeshvara (Chobhar Karunamaya) temple without telling anyone and observes fasting and meditation. Nepali (1965) likewise mentions that women who return to their natal home and are not invited back by their husbands for a long time observe māy-absã to establish whether they are still wanted or rejected by their husbands.19

• 20 The Sanskrit word Avalokiteshvara means ‘the Ishvara who can Avaloka or Avalokan’ literally, ‘the (...)

13The reason for specific fasting locations at Avalokiteshvara sites in Bunga Karunamaya and Chobhar Karunamaya temples may have something to do with the beliefs of Newar women, especially of Buddhist Newar women.20 In Mahayana and Vajrayana Buddhism there is an Avalokiteshvara Bodhisattva Sutra that says: ‘If someone who is bound and shackled, regardless of their guilt or innocence, recites the name of Avalokiteshvara, the shackles will break open and the person will be free’ (Yun 2009: 12). Thus, there are grounds for believing that these women pray and meditate at Karunamaya Avalokiteshvara shrines rather than other temples to rid themselves of their sufferings. Fasting lasts either a month (from the full-moon day in the month of Aswin to the next full-moon day in the month of Kartik, around mid-October to mid-November) or just five days (five days before the full-moon day in Kartik to its full-moon day), depending on the area where the women fast.

• 21 There is some indication that māy-absã started at Bunga Lokeshvara in Lalitpur district at the tim (...)

14On the last day of fasting, the temple priest performs concluding rituals with Homa-Puja, fire sacrificial worship (not animal sacrifice). On this day, if the husband comes to fetch his wife and asks her to get up and go with him, she goes with him, abandoning any thought of divorce. Should the husband not come on the last day of fasting, it is to be understood that he has deserted her and divorce has thereby become a ‘fait accompli’. In such cases, it is the woman’s natal family members who come with a feast and sagã (blessing items) to fetch her. If a divorce between a man and a woman is decided in this way, it is not necessary to send the 10 gwe back to the man’s family. If a fasting Newar woman has a lover outside of wedlock and he comes to fetch her on the last day before her husband does, she elopes with the lover. If the husband arrives after that, it is too late for him to win back his wife – the lovers would have already left the temple as a couple. However, if her husband comes before the lover to fetch her and if the woman is willing, they can then resume married life as a normal couple, with the woman abandoning her lover (Bajracharya 1121 NS).21 Whatever the case, this practice used by Newar women to test their husbands’ feelings before divorcing is unique and works well for these women. Although divorce is a real option in their minds, it is obvious that they continue to hope for a possible reconciliation with their husband. The remarkable fact about this observance is that women openly test their husbands’ feelings towards them. Whether their husbands show up to take them back or do not show up (that is, abandon them), these women are ready to accept either outcome in front of everyone – no stigma or shame is attached to this.

• 24 Around 1990, some divorced men and women were interviewed during a talk show on Nepal Television ( (...)
• 25 This woman fought a court battle but after a couple of years gave up for some reason.

18In the usually large Newar families living in one household, conflicts and quarrels may erupt occasionally, eventually leading to separation and divorce, especially as women have become more educated and independent, with a desire for freedom no doubt playing a large role. As Trovato (2009: 159) reports, ‘women who are capable of economic self-sufficiency have little reason to stay in an unrewarding marital relationship’. Not many urban Newar women were self-sufficient in the past; thus, even with prevailing conflicts, very few urban Newar couples dared to leave their extended family to live separately because living separately meant extra expense, finding/buying a place to live, and finding a babysitter if the woman worked outside the household. If none of this was possible as a couple, the wife could leave and eventually get divorced. Things may have changed these days as most urban women have either paid jobs or are involved in cottage industries or businesses. However, divorce data is not available for these women at the moment. I have known a number of couples in Kathmandu who divorced due to conflicts among joint family members, especially disputes between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, despite the husband and wife still having feelings for each other.24 Nepali (1965: 241) gives a similar example regarding Panga resident Chandra Bahadur who, despite still feeling love and respect for his wife, could not say or do anything for her when his arrogant mother conspired and sent her daughter-in-law to her natal home, brought back a second wife for her son and eventually forced the first wife to divorce.25

• 26 She receives these dowry items, including valuables, during her wedding feast/party day and on the (...)
• 27 All the dowry items, even if the divorce is confirmed only by the traditional way of returning the (...)

19Nonetheless, there are Newar localities and/or caste groups, for instance, in rural Bulu, Lalitpur, where there are unorthodox cultural views: women do not need to live in extended families if they do not want to; and they are free to choose their spouse and to elope, divorce and remarry. And so much so that natal family members may even advise newly married women to postpone having children just in case the couple may soon want to divorce (Pradhan 1981: 175). These rural Jyapuni women’s freedom is such that ‘women may choose to end their marriage at the slightest pretext’ (ibid 68). Another example of an unorthodox view on divorce that almost all Newar caste groups hold, regardless of their place of residence, is the custom of making a list of all the dowry items, including jewellery, which the bride received.26 A copy of this list is handed over to the groom’s father just in case the woman asks for a divorce in the future. Gutschow and Michaels (2012: 39) also mention this custom in Bhaktapur: ‘should she be legally divorced, all items have to be returned to her family’.27

• 28 Lhaa means ‘hand’ in the Newar language. Lhaa-gwe literally means ‘areca nut given in the hand’. H (...)
• 29 Lhaa-gwe has various meanings depending on the different Newar castes; the number and size of the (...)
• 30 Traditionally, kothā-bii is when the couple is given a room of their own to sleep in. Up until tha (...)
• 31 Asking her to come back soon is just a formality. In fact, she would not come back unless someone (...)
• 32 I have known a couple of cases where the first and the third kinds of divorce have taken place but (...)

21Gubhani women are given a number of opportunities to cancel the marriage even before the wedding starts and then during the wedding ceremony itself, and even after the main wedding rituals and customs have been performed. The first of these opportunities is when the 10 gwe are brought from the groom’s side to confirm the marriage. If, for some reason, a Gubhani has doubts about the groom-to-be and does not want to go ahead with the wedding, she can cancel the gwe ceremony by refusing to accept the 10 gwe. The second opportunity comes on the day of the wedding when the groom’s ‘bride-fetching team’ has already brought her to the groom’s house and the main ceremony, ‘hõke’ (‘union’), begins. After she has offered gwe to the family deity, lineage deity, the Sun God ‘sukundā’ and so on, she is supposed to offer a large gwe, called lhaa-gwe, to the groom.28 Earlier that day, just before the family sends their daughter off, her mother gives this large gwe to the matchmaker for her/him to pass it on to the daughter during the ‘union’ ceremony.29 This gesture represents the transferal of the responsibility for taking care of the daughter from her mother to her husband. However, after the bride has seen up close that day the groom, his family, their interactions, their behaviour, the environment etc, she may decide to not hand over the lhaa-gwe if she does not like what she sees. Despite all the arrangements, ritual ceremonies and the wedding feast that her side has already completed, if she does not hand over the lhaa-gwe to the groom on this ‘union’ day, the marriage ends there and then. The third opportunity for her to cancel the marriage comes a few days following hõke and the other rituals. On the morning after the kothā-bii night,30 the bride wears the outfit and jewellery given by her in-laws and goes to her natal home for a few days; this visit is called lilādhoo. This is to give her a rest from tiring rituals, events, feasts etc. Just before she leaves for lilādhoo, her mother-in-law gives her parting gifts and asks her to come back soon.31 During the lilādhoo stay at her natal home, the woman has the opportunity to reflect on all the events, her husband, her in-laws, their lifestyle, behaviour and so forth. Once again, if she does not wish to continue the relationship, she does not go back to her husband’s house when someone comes to fetch her. These female-friendly customs undeniably show this particular Newar caste group’s relaxed attitude towards divorce.32 However, the above events take place in the initial stages of marriage. Years after the wedding, especially after the birth of a child, putting an end to a relationship may not be easy and her natal family may discourage her from taking a hasty decision.

• 33 For details on marriage patterns among various Newar sub-ethnic groups, refer to Quigley (1986), S (...)

22Regarding Hindu marriage, Gutschow and Michaels (2012: 31) write: ‘Traditionally Hindu marriages, being a sacred bond, cannot be dissolved’. Despite such concepts, divorces do take place among Hindu Newars. Among the Rajopadhyayas, who exhibit an exceptional culture, ‘a divorced woman, like a widow, is considered an impure being, inauspicious and low in status’ (Toffin, 2007: 67). Rajopadhyayas do not traditionally allow divorce. Among other Newars, whether it is the long, elaborate traditional marriage arranged by a matchmaker lami or lovers marrying by eloping or by the ‘capture’ method popular among Jyapus (Pradhan 1981) and Dyalas (Joshi 2014), divorce is possible for both religious groups whenever dictated by circumstances.33 Nonetheless, religious differences aside, the degree of tolerance and acceptance varies among the different castes and the different localities they live in. Generally speaking, in my observations, divorce, separation, remarriage and marriage after being widowed may be discouraged more often by high-caste Hindus than by Buddhists. Discouraging divorce is only natural because no parent wants to see his/her child’s marriage fall apart. Discouragement is emphasised even in Nepal’s modern laws. For example, one of the points written under ‘Couples-related’, section 12 of the coded laws Muluki Ain 2020 VS is:

• 35 The Nepal Demographic and Health Survey 2011 reported that only 0.8% of women of reproductive age (...)
• 36 It is not only among the Newars that divorce was a rare occurrence. In the Republic of Ireland, di (...)

25As in the discussions above, Newar divorce data is equally diverse. The Nepal Family Health Survey’s 1996 data shows that marriages among the Newars were globally relatively stable, with only 1.2% of couples getting divorced/separated compared to all other major caste/ethnic groups of Nepal, each with a divorce/separation rate of about 2%, except for the Terai’s Tharu/Rajvansi and Yadav/Ahir groups (Vajracharya-Suwal, 2012: 213).35 Whether the relatively stable marriage situation among Newars in general is due to their traditional way of marrying by matching the bride’s and groom’s astrological birth charts to ensure their compatibility as a couple or whether there is more to it than that might be a good line of research for future scholars. Nevertheless, because Newars are not a homogenous group, as in the case of Brahmans, Chhetris, Tamangs, Gurungs, Rais/Limbus etc, this generalised finding of Newars’ low divorce/separation rate cannot be considered to portray a true picture of all Newar caste groups. The survey data available for only one Uray caste among the Newars shows that the percentage of divorcees was only 0.2 (Udaaya Research Project 2012). We have additional information about the Tuladhars subgroup of Asan among the Uray group reported by Lewis (1995: 51), ‘Divorce and widow remarriage have long been accepted, but both are very rare in Asan’.36

• 37 Concerning forced marriage, my observations differ. Forced marriage is not the norm among the Newa (...)

26To come back to the data available, if we consider castes other than the Urays, we find a high divorce rate among other Newar castes, mostly in various rural localities. Toffin (2007: 30) found a high rate of divorce among the Pũs (Chitrakars). Futhermore, separation occurs in adulthood if the marriage took place in childhood. In another study, the percentage of divorcees for both sexes, mostly for the Jyapu caste group in Bulu, a small rural area, shows that 3.1% of men and 5.5% of women were divorced (Pradhan 1981: table 2.9). Toffin (2007: 151) reported that the high incidence of divorce in Bulu is similar to that of the Swãgumi (the people of Pyangaon, on the outskirts of the Kathmandu Valley). It is worth noting that both communities are rural with the majority of residents from a farmer subgroup within the Jyapu group. In a similar study undertaken by Pradhan (1981: 71), 13% of Bulu women were in their second marriage and 4.4% in their fourth marriage: because of this, Allen (2000) became convinced that the famously commented on and much quoted reports of Kirkpatrick (1811: 187) ‘Newar women’s liberty to divorce’ and of Hamilton (1819: 42) ‘Newar women leaving husbands whenever they please’ were indeed not far from the truth. However, it was clear that Kirkpatrick and Hamilton were reporting on Newar women in general, not on those specific to a group or a particular locality. I suspect that it could be the other way around: that they were reporting on one particular unorthodox group of Newars. Not knowing the complex practices and customs that varied from one Newar caste to another, they generalised their findings as being those of all ‘Newar women’. Generalisation does not work in the case of the Newars because of their many castes and sub-castes with varying socio-cultural and religious customs and rituals. Coming forward to the modern-day period, Toffin (2007: 404) believes that there is an overall decrease in divorces among the Newars due to the fact that ‘the agreement of the boy and the girl is nowadays obtained in a much more systematic manner than before; forced marriage is less frequent than in the 1970s’.37

• 38 I would like to thank Prachur Bajracharya for assisting me in the data collection.

27Among other Newar castes, the so-called untouchable-caste group Dyala of Lalitpur also experienced higher rates of separation and divorce than other Newar castes (Gellner 1995: 288). In Nepali’s data (1965: 250) from Panga, where mostly Jyapus reside, 3.6% of men and 10.1% of women had experienced divorce or desertion. And in Satunga village, Hiroshi Ishii found that ‘only’ 2.3% of Jyapu men versus 3.4% of Syasya men got divorced in 1984 (it is worth noting that there was a higher rate of divorce among Syasya men than Jyapu men, contrary to the popular belief that the so-called high-caste Syasyas either do not divorce or have a low divorce rate.). These figures should not be considered low figures, as Gellner (1991: 118) claims, especially the 10.1% of married women divorcing, which translates as one divorce or desertion for every 10 marriages. In 2018, I collected data on marriage and divorce for my Vajracharya (Gubhaju) relatives – for those who were married within the last five decades.38 I found that among the 82 married cousins living in Kathmandu, six (that is 7.3%) marriages had ended in divorce/separation, four of which were intercaste marriages (with other Newar castes and non-Newars) – the decision to divorce was either the husband’s, the wife’s or was a mutual agreement. Clearly, diversity exists in divorce practices among various Newar caste groups. All this data shows that, besides the various Newar caste groups, divorce rates differ according to the place of residence. It would be interesting to know the percentage of divorcees among each Newar caste from rural as well as urban areas. During this study, I noticed that data on ‘causes of divorce’ is lacking in most nuptiality studies among the Newars. Apart from the dispute between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law or the husband and wife not loving each other, not many other possible causes have yet come to light. A qualitative survey with questions regarding factors that may result in marriage break-ups, such as a hostile family environment, socio-economic conditions, working daughter-in-law, mother-in-law’s lack of organisational and behavioral skills, the daughter-in-law having to shoulder the burden of housework, encountering strange cultures in intercaste marriage, husband not supporting the wife during disputes with other family members, infidelity of one of the partners, incompatible birth charts (for those who use them) etc, could prove to be the sought-after answer to researchers’ question about the causes of divorce.

• 39 The separation and divorce data for Nepal and for the three cities in the Kathmandu Valley do not (...)

28Whatever the case, separation is more common than divorce among most Newar caste groups. Although we do not have Newar-only data on divorce and separation at national level, the census data for Nepal and the three cities in the Kathmandu Valley where most Newars live supports the fact that separation rates are indeed higher than divorce rates, especially for women (Central Bureau of Statistics 2012: 125–6).39 The key reason for a higher rate of separation could be what Bennett (1981: 117) reports for the Nepalese in general: ‘In case of formal divorce a woman loses all rights on her husband’s property. An informally separated woman, whether she left her husband on her own or was abandoned or forced out of her husband’s home retains her claim to a share in the marital estate, but only if she refrains from taking another husband’. Rankin (2004: 149) also mentions that after divorce, women have no right to parental or marital property. It makes perfect sense that many (Newar) women prefer to remain separated than get divorced unless they intend to marry again.

• 40 Although acculturated with the Newars and having accepted the Newar language as their mother tongu (...)
• 41 In case of future divorce, the list will help to gather together the dowry for it to be sent back (...)
• 42 If we consider both divorce and separation, Levy (1990: 134) notes that divorce is less stigmatisi (...)

29Indeed, Newar-specific divorce laws have allowed Newars to divorce since 1380 (Nyayavikasini-Manavanayashastrat: Laws made by King Sthitiraj Malla 1436 VS). Even so, not all Newar women are exempt from the social stigma of divorce – liberal as well as orthodox circles exist among the Newars. As we have seen, Newars are not one caste/ethnic group, as shown in the census. Needless to say, their views on divorce depend on each caste group’s liberal or orthodox background. Divorce is forbidden among the Rajopadhyayas, as is intercaste marriage. In their culture, a divorced woman is considered inauspicious and of low status (Toffin 2007: 67), thus divorce may stigmatise the woman and her family.40 On the other hand, women accepting desertion by their husband or reconciliation in public after observing māy-absã fasting is one example of an unquestionably liberal view of a free society. We have already mentioned the Newars’ custom of making a list of the dowry for the groom’s family on the wedding day (when the daughter is sent off).41 Their making such a list indicates that divorce is definitely a future possibility in the minds of the bride’s family members. Another example of the ready acceptance of divorce comes from the Jyapus of Bulu who ask their daughters to postpone pregnancy in case the latter need a divorce within a couple of years. In such socially liberal societies, we see that there is no stigma even in the case of multiple remarriages after divorce. Also, the fact that all Lalitpur Newars (including Hindu high-caste Syasyas) store 2 of the 12 gwe for an eventual divorce clearly shows their acceptance of divorce. These divorce-friendly practices are at odds with Vergati’s (1982: 283) findings: ‘Higher caste women affirm that divorce does not exist and that it is current only among women of the farmer (Jyapu) caste’. Perhaps this is what her Bhaktapur sample chosen from certain localities experienced in the late 1970s and early 1980s. Given that one of her main informants was a Rajopadhyaya named Ramapati Raj Sharma, I suspect that her sample of ‘higher caste women’ may have comprised of more Rajopadhyaya women, whose culture does not allow divorce. Also, we are not sure whether her sample of women (Rajopadhyayas or other high-caste Newars) ruled out or ignored cases of separation. It is also likely that Vergati’s particular sample of highly orthodox upper-caste women perhaps hesitated to report divorce and separation cases due to the social stigma. Although we do not have any data for high-caste Newars, a similar incidence was found among other ethnic groups by Bennett (1981: 116–7) who mentions that five high-caste men (Brahman-Chhetri) reported that their wives had eloped with another man, though there were no reports of this on the women’s side, perhaps due to the shame these women experienced.42

• 43 These gifts are solely for the daughter. The gifts are not Tilak gifts demanded by the groom’s fam (...)

30There are situations for which a family may feel shame when their son or daughter decides to divorce soon (or some time) after the grand lavish wedding ceremony. In other cases, women from urban areas may go against their family’s wishes by eloping with their lover from a different caste and marrying him – then some years later these women decide to divorce. In such cases, these women feel ashamed because it was their own decision to marry against their parents’ objections. These cases aside, even though divorced women are generally not looked down upon in their culture, some urban Newar women still occasionally choose not to divorce despite the difficult relationship with their husband. And they have good reasons to do so. Regarding our earlier discussions, one of the other reasons for such a decision is that wives do not want to hurt the feelings of (or betray) their parents by divorcing. Parents go to great lengths to sell their land and other properties or, in modern society, to even take out their life savings ‘Sanchaya Kosh’ to spend them on their daughter’s wedding and to prepare expensive dowry gifts.43 Furthermore, after the divorce, living at her natal home with her married brothers and their respective wives may not be a pleasant experience for the woman; it could be even worse than living with her uncaring husband and quarrelsome in-laws, – which may even compel her to stay in the same relationship. Living with married brothers can be unpleasant even for an unmarried woman. Rankin (2004: 153) reports a case of an unmarried Newar woman from Sankhu, named Tuli Santi, who suffered from living with her married brother until her death. Furthermore, divorce is a traumatic process if young children are involved. More than the couple itself, it is the children who are emotionally hurt and this may affect their health, their school performance and overall development. Needless to say, even if divorce is allowed in their culture, for the sake of their children, urban mothers try not to leave their husbands or divorce until their children are grown up, in spite of their own suffering in a toxic relationship. Furthermore, if the divorce is pronounced through a legal process, it may involve a custody battle over young children and the possibility of being separated from the latter, which could be devastating for a parent. Even according to the traditional divorce procedure, for example in Bhaktapur, Levy (1990: 116) reported, ‘The child belongs to the household and for the wife to break up the marriage entails the risk of losing her children’. Moreover, if women do not enjoy financial stability, there is a greater chance that, after divorce, their economic status declines even further, which may prevent urban women from divorcing. Thus, rather than divorce being stigmatised, it is the circumstances themselves that determine the decision to divorce, especially for urban Newar women.

• 44 These days, most young couples that divorce request legal documents along with the return of the g (...)

33Nepal’s coded laws allow Newar women to divorce freely since 1380 under certain circumstances. Traditionally, Newar women divorce by sending the marriage confirmation gwe (areca nuts) back to the husband’s family. We have noted what Gellner (1991) observed and which still holds true: that a considerable variation exists within Newar groups regarding the degree of freedom to divorce that women enjoy based on the caste and/or religion they belong to. Based on my four-decade-long close observations and experience among various Newar castes in their ancestral locality, as well as on the diverse data presented earlier, I can say that their place of residence also plays a large part in these variations. Women from Uray, Jyapu, Syasya (Pradhan) and Sayemi caste backgrounds, especially those from Lalitpur, Kirtipur and other outskirts of the Kathmandu Valley, simply leave two areca nuts on the bed before they leave the house forever. Interestingly, māy-absã fasting is a unique method that Newar women from Lalitpur, Panga, Kirtipur, Chobhar and nearby areas use as a tool for deciding whether or not to divorce. If the husband does not show up to take his wife home on the last day of fasting, their marriage ends in a ‘natural’ divorce – ‘natural’ in the sense that they do not need to go through a divorce process and are not even required to give back the marriage confirmation areca nuts. Even though these are not legal methods of divorce, returning the gwe and māy-absã fasting are both still practised today.44